How to Have a Basic Breakup

You know you couldn't be more basic when your breakup looks like this. 

1. Immediately afterwards, you call two girlfriends. They promptly show up with a bottle of wine each. You cry as you give them the play-by-play. After they leave, you fall asleep feeling stronger than you imagined. You got this.

2. Day 1 post break up goes okay because you’re likely in shock. You calmly update a few more friends. You say basic shit like “I just have to trust my gut” and “I know it’s the right thing to do”

3. Day 2 post break up you’re not in shock anymore and you cry a lot. You google your love horoscope and hope that it says something reassuring.

4. You drink a bottle of wine for dinner and watch seven episodes of something on Netflix – preferably something with a lot of murder  and blood and people that have way bigger problems than you.

5. The next day you go to the mall and try to drown your sadness in new jeans and blanket scarves.

6. You finally call your mom – you go home and cry some more. She makes you grilled cheese sandwiches.

7. The first weekend of your new single life is upon you. Either you or your basic friends have declared a “girls night”. You’re kind of excited, but you shouldn’t be.

What your friends are really thinking.

8. Cut to midnight. You’re drunk dialing your ex and crying outside of the bar. It’s been the worst night of your life. Julie and Christina are still inside hunting for men and doing shots of something basic like apple pie.

9. The next day you realize that there is no easy way out of this. You’re going to have to let yourself be sad. And no amount of red wine or tequila or Scandal or Mindy Project is going to make it better.

10. And if you’re super basic, less than one month later you will once again drink too much, dial his number, and in a moment of weakness you will fall into each other’s arms again. The amazing sex will only momentarily be worth the pain.

11. And of course, Taylor Swift’s album 1989 is now the soundtrack to your life.





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