Written by: Elizabeth Delrey

Dating is kind of like running a coffee shop.

I feel like the last 5 months have been a series of various men entering and exiting my life as they please. A steady stream of casual hangouts and hookups with mediocre dudes. They enter stage right, do a little dance, make me laugh (sometimes I fake it), share a monologue, and maybe even fuck me (often I fake it). Then they exit stage left. I don’t block the exit or cry or even really question it….I just kind of let them go. Some of them come back for a couple more auditions but there certainly hasn’t been any leading roles given out.

It’s like I’m running a coffee shop and I say “See ya!” when they leave knowing some of them may come back and some of them may not. Either way I don’t really care because another customer will be along shortly. I know I give them great customer service. I’m smart, funny, and going places. I also make great coffee. I’ve been told a million times how great my coffee is, have been asked how I make it so great and can they have another cup in 20 minutes.

But I think they realize that going to my coffee shop is more of an experience. There’s way more to it than just the coffee and that’s what motivated them to come into the shop in the first place. However, I think once they spend some time there they begin to feel out of place. Like they aren’t smart enough, dressed as well, or can’t be as contributory to interesting conversations. They realize that they feel a lot more comfortable paying $1.50 for basic coffee in simple coffee shop. Hell sometimes they don’t even have to go inside, they can just drive up to the window, grab a coffee, and get on with their lives.

I think partly it’s my fault. I know the men I bring in for an audition aren’t really meant to play the part anyways, but I still let them audition. Partly because I see the glass half full as opposed to half empty and partly because I’m bored or lonely, and I would rather entertain myself by holding auditions than simply staring at a blank stage. I think that’s why when they leave I don’t really seem to care or be that surprised.

I know what I need to do. I need to write my own script and be the star of my own play. Succeed in my career, test my physical fitness, laugh with my friends and try not to fight with my family. “Someone will come along when I least expect it.”

(Side note: I hate that statement. A) Because I’m a nymphomaniac and constantly think about sex, so there’s no “not expecting it” and B) Because it’s always delivered to me in a way that makes me feel like a teen loser waiting for someone to ask me to dance – thanks but no thanks.)

However, in the mean time, there’s no way I will stop watching documentaries about North Korea, stop wearing designer clothes, or stop making jokes instead of pretending not to understand them. I like my coffee shop and I’m not going to make it generic and simple just so it’s easier.

All I’m asking for is someone to give me a captivating audition. If they still aren’t right for the part, it’s okay, but teach me something, challenge me, surprise me, and for god sakes get me some fucking coffee.